Diminishing Someone’s Feelings

We are not the same. We all know that. From the crowns of our heads to the soles of our feet, we are different. From early childhood into our teenage years, we are encouraged to express our emotions, talk it out. Confide in someone. Anyone. Just do not allow yourself to hold it in so long that you explode, have a meltdown, or shut down completely. So, I ask this question. If all that is true? Why is it so hard to keep from diminishing someone’s feelings when they exhibit the courage to express their emotions? What may be important to one person may not be important to another. However, that does not give the latter the permission to state that someone is overreacting or that they should not be feeling such emotions because it does not fit the situation.

To have a friend is to be a friend. People tend to evaluate someone’s emotions compared to theirs and diminish them based on what they feel the situation deserves, rather than what that person is feeling. Let us stop doing that. This is one of the MANY reasons why you hear so many stories of a normal or “happy” person, who has a sudden emotional breakdown. When a person thinks that their feelings are invalid compared to those around them, they tend to shy away from expressing their emotions for lack of care and support. They are used to being told that what they are feeling is nothing compared to what that person is going through which leads them to feel the need to keep it to themselves. This can in turn lead to an emotional breakdown and the need to stay silent. Many people refuse to make friends because, let’s face it, who needs friends that make you feel less than.

You start to crave the friends that you feel “understand” you. You pray to God for that one friend that just GETS YOU. We have to do better as a society, as a people, as believers of Christ. The Bible says “let those who have friends let them show themselves friendly” (Proverbs 18:24). We are to be the encouragement that our friends need. We are not to judge another person’s thought process. You can think someone is overreacting or might be thinking a little over the top but there are ways to express your concerns without being too harsh or too critical. Not every issue needs a “tough love” response.

You might try something like, “there may be another perspective that you are unable to see, may I suggest this?” THIS IS ASSUMING THEY HAVE ASKED YOUR OPINION. Sometimes you just want to vent. No advice needed. Or you could try “I see your perspective but let’s take a minute and think of the situation another way.” Or even something as simple as, “wow, I see your point. Why don’t you take a breath, let’s pray, then afterwards, we can try to come up with some solutions to your problem.” If you are unsure of how to pray or what to do for the issue, you could be honest and explain to them that you are not sure how you would handle the situation but that you will continue to be a listening ear if they need it. It’s called EMPATHY ladies! Now you are acknowledging that you hear them while also offering a different point of view. Being “blunt” is not always the best solution, nor does it make you a better friend. You can be “real” without being mean.

Avoid hurtful comments such as you’re overreacting or you’re doing too much or thinking way too much into this. Take a pause and ask yourself why? Could it be that I have not dealt with that issue before or in a while so I can’t relate? Could it be that I know that I wouldn’t react like that myself or have never been through it myself, so I think of things in a different way? Whatever the reason, put yourself in the shoes of the other person and think about how you would feel if someone felt that your feelings were too big for a situation. A friend no less.
You start to question what someone genuinely thinks about you when they feel that way about your emotions and neglect to acknowledge the fact that it took a lot for you to come to them in the first place.

This is not to suggest that there are not times when a friend could truly be having a melt down over an issue that may have a simple solution. It’s the response that matters. “Hey friend, I know that the situation really bothers you, but I do not want you to raise your blood pressure over this. Let me help you find a solution so that you no longer have to stress about this. Let’s allow God to take control because when you give it to Him, he takes the worry away.”

Or maybe you have a friend who dumps their feelings on you so much that you feel you don’t have a second to breathe. Maybe you are dealing with your own crisis and can’t see into theirs. It’s ok to tell your friend that you are dealing with something and you’re not sure how you can be helpful but you will try your best. Or simply say “I am here for you but I am also dealing with life. Let’s pray. It might help us both feel better.” Some may even say that a good friend wouldn’t even mention their pain to be supportive.

My point is BE A FRIEND. Seems there are not many people that can do that nowadays. So many of us are hurting and can be blinded by the hurt that we have received so it affects our ability to be there for others when needed. I pray daily that I too can be the friend needed when someone reaches out to me. The friend that I want to have when I am dealing with life.

Hope for love and respect from a friend, except perfection. Leave room for mistakes and allow that friend to correct it. This will enable them to grow. Choose to be better and treat others as you would want to be treated. Remember the Bible says, “with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.” (Jeremiah 31:3 [King James Version]). Love and empathy go a long way.